Pandas Suck!
August 9, 2006
I've been thinking about putting this down in writing for a little while now, but an article in Metro convinced me to write about it today. Pandas suck, don't they? Sure, they're cute and fluffy, but they really don't have a clue about how to further the interests of their species. The Panda is the national animal of China. China is a populous, industrious and thriving country, yet the Panda sits around all day and even with all that spare time on its paws, it can't even get round to having kids. So here are some Panda facts that prove my point:
- Pandas only mate between mid-March and mid-May
- Female Pandas can only fall pregnant once per year with a 24-48 fertilisation window.
- Once a litter is born, a mother will focus on only one cub and let the others die.
- Pandas in captivity don't know how to have sex.
- Pandas only eat one kind of bamboo. This bamboo dies out for 2 months a year, leaving the picky Pandas with nothing to eat.
- Of the particular bamboo they deign to eat, they can only digest 2% of it because Pandas are not suited to eating the food they have chosen to eat!
- Male Pandas are hung like hamsters, so even if they do get off their butts to romance the lady pandas, the mechanics of it might prove impossible.
No wonder the blighters are facing extinction! Did you know that China leases Pandas to zoos outside of China? The leases run for 10 years at a cost of $1,000,000 a year? What a wheeze!
Still frustrated that Pandas were not part of the Wow expansion?
Pandas aren’t worth a drop in the bucket that we spend on keeping their naturally deselected species alive. If some hippie carnivorous animal up and decides to no longer eat meat in favor of something they have a super hard time digesting, which subsequently causes them all kinds of health problems, that’s one strike. If the animal can’t figure out how to care for more than one of it’s young at a time (that’s if it doesn’t roll over and crush them all first), that’s two. If the animal can’t manage to look up from it’s bamboo long enough to have sex when faced with extinction, or even muster the courage to rut on a rock, that animal is now beyond forfeit.
-100 points for pandas. You lose.